Caution: Toxic

Forming attachments is a skill that I have refined over the years. My judgement on a healthy vs unhealthy attachment is something I'm still learning. Taking my time to form attachments is something I'm still learning. It's always been very natural for me to see the good, whether that's in people or actions. The wall around my heart doesn't go up until it's broken. But by then it's too late.

People have broken my heart. It happens. It's a part of life. Friends, family, boys. Me. All guilty.

Why is it so easy for me to attach and so excruciating to let go? Surrounding myself with the uplifting, loving and supportive instead of the stressful, insulting and judgmental. I'd like to think that certain people and things enter our lives for a reason. To teach us a lesson. To help mold us. To strengthen our character. To help us learn what we want and are willing to put up with. To recognize what is toxic. To recognize what is positive. To learn what relationships bring out the best version of ourselves.

I have toxicity in my life. Relationships. Situations. ED. These things bring me down. They make me stressed. They cause panic attacks. They make me cry. They make me feel the loneliest I've ever felt in my entire life. I'm tired of feeling like that.

To all that is toxic, this is for you...

You don't deserve my thoughts. You don't deserve my attention. You don't deserve my heart. You can't cherish or protect my heart. You are not worthy. You break my heart. Every time you exert your influence. Every time you make me second guess myself and the effort that I'm worth. You are a part of me and you don't deserve it. You can't have it anymore. I need it. I deserve my effort. My focus. My love. I am worthy of my love.

The New Girl

We all have different sides to our personalities. I have recently embraced a new side of myself: I don't care Mandi. She is apathetic, impatient, unfiltered…and I love her. She speaks without hesitation. She voices how she really feels. And doesn't care if somebody doesn't like it. She also eats.

My life has gotten progressively more rocky over the past few months. I'm several pounds under the weight that my body needs to function properly.

I'm tired of think and hurting and analyzing and feeling and crying. She lets me take a break from all of that. Is this the best way to cope? No way. Is it better than restricting? Yes.

She comes and goes. Sometimes she sticks around for a few hours. Other times she makes a brief appearance and goes back into hiding. I guess I have to find that tricky balance between caring so much that I lose myself and not caring at all.

Do I have to be disconnected and guarded to eat? It seems so. Will it always be this way? I hope not. But for now, I'll take it.

Life To-Do List

Be nice: check
Get good grades: check
Graduate High School: check
Go to a good college: check
Graduate said college: check
Get married: check
Develop an eating disorder: uh?...
Have kids: hurry, it's not fast enough...
Get a tattoo: no way...

I have always had a very clear picture of the way my life was supposed to turn out. At least I thought so. Then at 15 my Dad died. It sent my life into a frightening and unfamiliar direction. I clung to whatever was still standing after my world shattered...my family. There was an undetectable shift in roles from "Mandi the teenage daughter" to "Mandi, the helper/supporter/stability giver." I was put into this role, both by myself and others, whether I wanted it or not. Without even realizing it was happening. I had spend my entire childhood knowing that my Mom would sacrifice everything for me in a heartbeat. Now it was me who needed to do that.

From that point until a few months ago every decision that I was faced with was made based on what was good for the whole and not what was good for just me. "The whole" has morphed a bit over the past 17 years but the idea has remained the same.

A few days ago a thought smacked me right in the face...I haven't made a decision by myself FOR myself in a very long time. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what I need...or really who I am separate from the people around me. I'm slowly starting to recognize what I truly want. And that makes me angry.

Angry that I've let people dictate my life. Angry that people make decisions because they THINK they know what's best for me. I should know what's best for me. Angry that I've spent so much of my time and energy trying to build a life full of other people's ideals, only to have it come crashing down.

A few days ago I got a tattoo. I never hesitated once. I don't regret it. In fact, I love it. More than I ever thought I would. It's something that I decided by myself for me. There isn't a single person that hasn't reacted with skepticism and shock...because I wouldn't do that. Good girls don't get tattoos. I have been a designated "good girl" my entire life. But I never claimed that title. That's what you chose to give me.

I'm not a good girl. A bad girl. Or anything in between. I'm Mandi. And it's time that I decide who she is and embrace that.

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Try. Fight.

I was on my way to work this morning (I think I'm addicted to work...but that's a different post) and I heard "Try" by Colbie Caillat on the radio. I've heard it before but today the words stood out...

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim, do they like you?

Wait a second
Why should you care what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

Why is that so hard? Why does the absence of comments make me doubt myself...but I don't believe them when I receive them?

Why can't people take me the way I am? Why do I feel like I have to bend? Why can't I accept me the way I am?

I have relapsed. Life gets messy and that mess has made me feel out of control. When I feel out of control ED swoops in on his white horse and wants to save the day. He tells me that deciding when, no not when, IF, I eat is control. Deciding to sleep instead of eat is control. Blaming yourself for other people's stress and mess is control. Deciding to shut down instead of asking for help is control. If you ask for help then you're admitting there is a problem that you can't handle on your own. Other people don't want your problems. They have their own.

I've been working hard the past week or two to silence ED. Sometimes he's quiet. Other times he's louder than ever. But he's no longer constant.

I bought myself a present. It's a bracelet that says "be brave." I wear it every day to remind myself to be brave and that I am worth this fight.

Just a reminder...

I was cleaning out my e-mail and came across this article sitting in my in-box. The article is titled "20 Things Someone With an Eating Disorder Wishes They Could Tell You." I've read it before but I took a minute to read it again, only this time with a completely different mind set then I had the first time I read it. I've been struggling. Really struggling. As I read through the list I realized how far I've come…and how much further I still have to go.

Here are a few that stood out:

5. My anorexia isn't an attempt to be thin and beautiful. It's about disappearing entirely. - I'm not classified as anorexic but I can restrict pretty heavily. And it is about disappearing.

8. If I do ever eat anything in front of you, take that as a huge sign of trust. - I don't eat in front of everybody. And I definitely don't go OUT to eat with everybody. 

9. If I do ever eat anything in front of you, please don't bring any attention to this situation. - Yes, I eat junk. Yes, I eat french fries. Yes, I eat chocolate. Please don't point it out. My natural defense is to stop eating it.

10. Eating disorders aren't just a starvation of food - they are a starvation of life and joy. 

14. When I ask you if I look big, I am not attention seeking. I need reassurance that my quest to diminish is working. - I'm not fishing for compliments

17. My eating disorder doesn't act alone; its friends are depression and anxiety. - Lately I don't know where one ends and the other begins. 

18. I used to love food and still do. I probably think about food more than you do. 

19. My eating disorder isn't a choice - it's an illness.

20. I will never expect you to understand me and my disorder as I don't think I even understand myself. - The more I try to understand it, the more muddy my mind gets. 

I don't like feeling unsteady. And right now that's all I have. Shaky, unstable ground. Standing still isn't an option but I have no idea how to move.

Inadequate

Inadequate. Selfish.

You're great, but…

I love you, but…

You're not enough. Maybe you don't deserve what you want.

If you did, why is finding it so hard? Wouldn't IT find YOU?

Why aren't you happy?

Come on, things aren't so bad. There are a lot of people in this world who have it much worse than you do. There is suffering on a much grander scale than you're feeling.

So it's not perfect. You're don't deserve perfection – you're not perfect. How dare you ask that from anybody or anything.

In fact, you're actually not all that great.

If you were  you would have what you want.

So while you're free falling through chaos, trying to grip onto anything you can, know that you did this.

Because you are inadequate.

You're so lucky

I've had my share of good luck, as well as bad. Finding money: lucky. Hitting every red light on the way home: unlucky. 

Being in recovery??

Let me share a few conversations I've had over the past few months:

Me: my new medication takes away my appetite

Person A: You're so lucky. I wish I was never hungry.

Me: I can't eat that pizza because I can't eat gluten.

Person B: What does that mean?

Me: I can't have wheat. It makes my stomach cramp.

Person B: So like you can't eat pasta or bread or anything?

Me: Yeah

Person B: You're so lucky. I wish I couldn't eat that stuff!

Me: I have awful fatigue

Person C: You're so lucky. I wish I could sleep all the time.

I've been in recovery for awhile. I've accepted that it's a process. It's a road, not a destination (or whatever other stupid cliche you want to insert here). What I still have trouble with are the assumptions made about me. Maybe that's one of the things I've always struggled with. Maybe that's a small part of what got me here in the first place.

I haven't shared my struggles with many people. But wait…I have a blog about it…so that doesn't make sense. Ok, I should say that I haven't had an actual conversation about my struggles with many people. It's terrifying and exposing and emotional. I pick and choose who I show that to. That being said, I don't expect people to know what's going on in my mind or my heart. However, do not assume that these things I am experiencing are easy or make me lucky.

My medication takes away my appetite - Because of that I don't always eat when I'm supposed to. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I know I should eat and don't. It's a trigger. A huge, red button that say "press me". I know I shouldn't but it gives me a sense of control. For better or worse.

Gluten - because I love adding an extra layer of stress where food is concerned. It's not at all uncomfortable to call the host of a party ahead of time and make sure there are gluten free options there or limit everybody that I eat out with to only restaurants that publish allergen information.

Fatigue - just because I'm tired does not mean I get the chance to sleep all day. It does mean that I continue to work full time and do "adult" things even though I feel like I could fall over.

Am I the only one that struggles with these things, or anything for that matter? No, not at all. 

I don't want to stand out for my short comings or my insecurities. I don't want to take offense when people make simple comments about me. I don't want to keep second guessing myself or the decisions I've made. It's a process. A twisted, bumpy, uncomfortable, beautiful process.

I do want to end on a positive note. I recently opened up and had an actual conversation with somebody about all of this. They were attentive and supportive and non judgmental. I have some pretty amazing people in my life that support me regardless of my downfalls. And for that I am beyond grateful.