You're so lucky

I've had my share of good luck, as well as bad. Finding money: lucky. Hitting every red light on the way home: unlucky. 

Being in recovery??

Let me share a few conversations I've had over the past few months:

Me: my new medication takes away my appetite

Person A: You're so lucky. I wish I was never hungry.

Me: I can't eat that pizza because I can't eat gluten.

Person B: What does that mean?

Me: I can't have wheat. It makes my stomach cramp.

Person B: So like you can't eat pasta or bread or anything?

Me: Yeah

Person B: You're so lucky. I wish I couldn't eat that stuff!

Me: I have awful fatigue

Person C: You're so lucky. I wish I could sleep all the time.

I've been in recovery for awhile. I've accepted that it's a process. It's a road, not a destination (or whatever other stupid cliche you want to insert here). What I still have trouble with are the assumptions made about me. Maybe that's one of the things I've always struggled with. Maybe that's a small part of what got me here in the first place.

I haven't shared my struggles with many people. But wait…I have a blog about it…so that doesn't make sense. Ok, I should say that I haven't had an actual conversation about my struggles with many people. It's terrifying and exposing and emotional. I pick and choose who I show that to. That being said, I don't expect people to know what's going on in my mind or my heart. However, do not assume that these things I am experiencing are easy or make me lucky.

My medication takes away my appetite - Because of that I don't always eat when I'm supposed to. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I know I should eat and don't. It's a trigger. A huge, red button that say "press me". I know I shouldn't but it gives me a sense of control. For better or worse.

Gluten - because I love adding an extra layer of stress where food is concerned. It's not at all uncomfortable to call the host of a party ahead of time and make sure there are gluten free options there or limit everybody that I eat out with to only restaurants that publish allergen information.

Fatigue - just because I'm tired does not mean I get the chance to sleep all day. It does mean that I continue to work full time and do "adult" things even though I feel like I could fall over.

Am I the only one that struggles with these things, or anything for that matter? No, not at all. 

I don't want to stand out for my short comings or my insecurities. I don't want to take offense when people make simple comments about me. I don't want to keep second guessing myself or the decisions I've made. It's a process. A twisted, bumpy, uncomfortable, beautiful process.

I do want to end on a positive note. I recently opened up and had an actual conversation with somebody about all of this. They were attentive and supportive and non judgmental. I have some pretty amazing people in my life that support me regardless of my downfalls. And for that I am beyond grateful.