Try. Fight.

I was on my way to work this morning (I think I'm addicted to work...but that's a different post) and I heard "Try" by Colbie Caillat on the radio. I've heard it before but today the words stood out...

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim, do they like you?

Wait a second
Why should you care what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

Why is that so hard? Why does the absence of comments make me doubt myself...but I don't believe them when I receive them?

Why can't people take me the way I am? Why do I feel like I have to bend? Why can't I accept me the way I am?

I have relapsed. Life gets messy and that mess has made me feel out of control. When I feel out of control ED swoops in on his white horse and wants to save the day. He tells me that deciding when, no not when, IF, I eat is control. Deciding to sleep instead of eat is control. Blaming yourself for other people's stress and mess is control. Deciding to shut down instead of asking for help is control. If you ask for help then you're admitting there is a problem that you can't handle on your own. Other people don't want your problems. They have their own.

I've been working hard the past week or two to silence ED. Sometimes he's quiet. Other times he's louder than ever. But he's no longer constant.

I bought myself a present. It's a bracelet that says "be brave." I wear it every day to remind myself to be brave and that I am worth this fight.