Life To-Do List

Be nice: check
Get good grades: check
Graduate High School: check
Go to a good college: check
Graduate said college: check
Get married: check
Develop an eating disorder: uh?...
Have kids: hurry, it's not fast enough...
Get a tattoo: no way...

I have always had a very clear picture of the way my life was supposed to turn out. At least I thought so. Then at 15 my Dad died. It sent my life into a frightening and unfamiliar direction. I clung to whatever was still standing after my world shattered...my family. There was an undetectable shift in roles from "Mandi the teenage daughter" to "Mandi, the helper/supporter/stability giver." I was put into this role, both by myself and others, whether I wanted it or not. Without even realizing it was happening. I had spend my entire childhood knowing that my Mom would sacrifice everything for me in a heartbeat. Now it was me who needed to do that.

From that point until a few months ago every decision that I was faced with was made based on what was good for the whole and not what was good for just me. "The whole" has morphed a bit over the past 17 years but the idea has remained the same.

A few days ago a thought smacked me right in the face...I haven't made a decision by myself FOR myself in a very long time. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what I need...or really who I am separate from the people around me. I'm slowly starting to recognize what I truly want. And that makes me angry.

Angry that I've let people dictate my life. Angry that people make decisions because they THINK they know what's best for me. I should know what's best for me. Angry that I've spent so much of my time and energy trying to build a life full of other people's ideals, only to have it come crashing down.

A few days ago I got a tattoo. I never hesitated once. I don't regret it. In fact, I love it. More than I ever thought I would. It's something that I decided by myself for me. There isn't a single person that hasn't reacted with skepticism and shock...because I wouldn't do that. Good girls don't get tattoos. I have been a designated "good girl" my entire life. But I never claimed that title. That's what you chose to give me.

I'm not a good girl. A bad girl. Or anything in between. I'm Mandi. And it's time that I decide who she is and embrace that.

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me