I was cleaning out my e-mail and came across this article sitting in my in-box. The article is titled "20 Things Someone With an Eating Disorder Wishes They Could Tell You." I've read it before but I took a minute to read it again, only this time with a completely different mind set then I had the first time I read it. I've been struggling. Really struggling. As I read through the list I realized how far I've come…and how much further I still have to go.
Here are a few that stood out:
5. My anorexia isn't an attempt to be thin and beautiful. It's about disappearing entirely. - I'm not classified as anorexic but I can restrict pretty heavily. And it is about disappearing.
8. If I do ever eat anything in front of you, take that as a huge sign of trust. - I don't eat in front of everybody. And I definitely don't go OUT to eat with everybody.
9. If I do ever eat anything in front of you, please don't bring any attention to this situation. - Yes, I eat junk. Yes, I eat french fries. Yes, I eat chocolate. Please don't point it out. My natural defense is to stop eating it.
10. Eating disorders aren't just a starvation of food - they are a starvation of life and joy.
14. When I ask you if I look big, I am not attention seeking. I need reassurance that my quest to diminish is working. - I'm not fishing for compliments
17. My eating disorder doesn't act alone; its friends are depression and anxiety. - Lately I don't know where one ends and the other begins.
18. I used to love food and still do. I probably think about food more than you do.
19. My eating disorder isn't a choice - it's an illness.
20. I will never expect you to understand me and my disorder as I don't think I even understand myself. - The more I try to understand it, the more muddy my mind gets.
I don't like feeling unsteady. And right now that's all I have. Shaky, unstable ground. Standing still isn't an option but I have no idea how to move.
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