what just happened?

I drank calories!!!

Yep, I did.

And I had a panic attack...
at work.

I finished my bottle of Drangonfruit Vitamin Water Zero, or so I thought. It tasted better than the one I had yesterday so I'm looking at the bottle and realized that it wasn't ZERO but regular vitamin water. Immediately I entered the panic zone. I was stressed out and had a stomach ache, which I still have. I had to step outside and call my husband at home to calm me down. He talked to me and tried to distract me. It worked while we were on the phone but we can't talk forever.

I've eaten most of my lunch but I still have an apple, peanut butter and string cheese to eat for a snack. I don't want to eat. I want to run...run until I'm not stressed, run until I've burned off the drink and run a little more just for insurance calories. Purging has never been a part of my eating disorder. The thought actually scares me. I've never performed the action but there were times that I actually wished I could...this is one of those times. As scary as that is to admit to, especially on the internet, it's the truth. My stomach is growing but I won't eat. I don't know what's shifted recently but I feel stuck...no, not stuck. Moving backwards. I was making such awesome progress. I was doing well and feeling good but I don't feel like that anymore.

I'm tired.

My husband told me that he wants to see the apple core to prove that I ate the rest of my food at work. I hate to waste food but I wouldn't give a second thought to just cutting the apple off, throwing it away and just keeping the core. I will if I have to.

A part of me (the rational one) realizes how crazy this sounds. I can figure the calories into my day and work from there but I feel like I've wasted them. Now I have to conserve (not eat) in case I get hungry later. After all, it's only 4:00 p.m.

The stress (and my growling stomach) is giving me a headache. I don't know how to do this.

How did I get here and how do I find my way out?

**I wrote this on scrap paper at work. It's been six hours and it still holds true**