Dad

I've had a rough couple of days. I've been feeling down, lonely and have been very focused on what I've been eating. At my last appointment with my nutritionist she raised my daily calorie amount by 100. This was on June 7th. I've hit my target three times. That's 3 out of 12, or as she likes to look at it 25%.  If I saw her today and shared that with her she would tell me that 25% is unacceptable. My response: "but I don't miss it by much." Her response: "why?" I don't have an excuse answer. I was at a loss as to why I was all of a sudden feeling so bad. I had been doing so well and feeling great. My energy was up as well as my mood. I even went to Maryland on Friday night to see a boy band concert with my best friend in the whole world...even that didn't cheer me up.

Then Sunday evening I have a revelation: it's Father's Day. After my Dad died we would go to the cemetary on Father's Day and have our own little celebration. That only lasted a few years. Eventually it became just another day. As time has marched on the sadness that came along with every June has lost some of it's power...until this year. Like I said, I had been feeling down for days and was at a loss as to the cause of it. Sunday evening I logged onto facebook and I saw a million pictures and messages that people had posted saying how great their Dad was. I started to cry. Facebook actually made me cry. I was so upset that I logged off and couldn't go on the rest of the night. Luckily the next day I had a therapy appointment...in swoops Barb (my therapist) to save me...again.

I  can not stress how much I LOVE her. I can talk about myself for a whole hour without feeling judged or guilty or selfish. That doesn't occur anywhere else in my life. I told her what was going on and we started to explore my feelings :) Feelings...complicated, wonderful, terrifying things that they are. As we talked I realized just how much I had been effected by Father's Day and how deep the hurt really goes. She even related it to my current married life...it kind of blew my mind. I sat there after having made a realization that I haven't gotten close to my (wonderful) father-in-law because I was felt like I was replacing my Dad and just looked at her. I couldn't believe that after all of these years (15) that I was still worried about something like that.

After having turned it over in my brain for days I also realized something else...the stem of some of the original weight loss. I had lost my Dad at 15 - heartbreaking pain. I had dated somebody for almost 4 years thinking we would get married and out of nowhere he broke up with me - heartbreaking pain. Result: it's time to change. If I can change (i.e. lost weight, get control of my life) then maybe, just maybe, this kind of pain won't happen again. It was my way to cope and now that I'm working to give up that control I have to learn how to cope with the pain again (my therapist's words but I like them).

It's been a few days and I'm feeling much better, at least about that anyway. I've started to convince myself that my jeans are tight and I've gained the weight I need to and I should be about done with that...but that's another post.