It's a quiet, lazy afternoon. I sit down to watch tv but there's nothing that I find interesting. I hit the "On Demand" button to see if I can find a movie that might entertain me for the next two hours. I decide to browse through the documentary section. I'm starting to become very interested in them. I find one entitled "THIN." I read the synopsis and it tells me that it's about a women's eating disorder recovery clinic. Being in my current situation I decided to watch it. About 15 minutes into the movie I decide that I want to watch it with my husband. Maybe it will give him another perspective...explain things in a way that I can't.
Fast forward to this afternoon. A rare afternoon that my husband and I have some time to spend together. We go mini golfing (I win :)) and then we head home for lunch. I ask if he wants to watch this while we eat and he says "sure." That's when it all goes downhill...
We get through the first 15 minutes that I've already seen and we keep watching. I was able to watch 35 minutes before I had to stop the movie. There were so many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I needed to stop and breathe...
These girls weight 86 pounds. They have real eating disorders. Who am I to think that my stupid problem is a true eating disorder.
I don't throw up like they do. Maybe I don't have an eating disorder.
Oh, that girl is having trouble eating a cupcake...I do that too.
Her body image is distorted...so is mine.
They look so sick. How do they not see that?
15 years?!? They've been fighting for 15 years?!? I can't do that. Will I ever have a "normal" relationship with food?
and the scariest one...
A woman says that she has always wanted to be thin. If this is what it took then so be it. If she had to die to be thin and least she would have made it. My thought: I've felt the very same way
There was even a point in the movie where they show the residents eating in the dining hall and I think "if they gave me that plate of food it would make me anxious and stressed out." An eating disorder recovery clinic dinner would stress me out?!
And that's only 35 minutes in. My husband suggested we stop watching. He said I'm not ready. My biggest fear is that I'll never be ready to watch something like that. That I'll always be stuck...wondering if I have a "real" eating disorder. Feeling guilty that I'm getting treated for something when there are so many girls and women who's bodies are shutting down worse than mine.
How do I get out of this?
No comments:
Post a Comment