helmet required

I'm stressed out.

My work schedule changes in the summer and it seems that it's just not enough...at least not right now. Money has always stressed me out. I can remember being a teenager and our family being on a "budget crunch." My brother and I just laughed it off. It's what my mom said when she didn't want to buy us what we wanted. I think that might be where my money stress stems from. I'm terrified, TERRIFIED, of running out of money. Aside from food it's what I spend the most time stressing about. Up until a few years ago it surpassed food.

So now that I'm stressed out what do I focus on...my eating.

If I can think about that then I won't have to worry about bills or figuring out what money is going where. It gives me something else to worry about, obsess about. 

I've been saving money to buy myself a Kindle Fire. I haven't bought myself anything big in a very, very long time. I track the miles that I walk everybody and put $1 into my savings account for every mile walked. My goal is to save enough money to get a Kindle Fire, a plug and a case. I'm about 25 miles away, or $25. I've been doing this since April 1st and my goal is to have enough by July 1st. I've tried so hard not to dip into my savings but when I'm so stressed out about paying bills why would I not use that money? Is it that terrible if my Kindle gets pushed back a little? Yes. Then I ask myself why. Is it because I'm selfish and just want a new toy? A tiny bit. Is it because if I don't meet my goal I'll feel like I've failed at something else? (controlling hunger, my eating, my recovery)...yes. I know this entire process (recovery) is about figuring out how to live without restriction, blame and guilt. I know that it will not be a smooth, easy road yet whenever I hit a bump I just punish myself...."I've failed again". If my words were being said to me by a friend of mine I would tell them that they're crazy. They should be proud for even starting this journey and for how far they've come. I can't seem to say that to myself. All I see is that I still restrict, still feel guilty, still freak out about gaining weight, still try to avoid gaining and calories (I haven't hit my new calorie goal in almost 2 weeks).

If I stop and really try to understand the stress surrounding the money and using some of my Kindle savings for bills I realize that it's just money...it's just a Kindle...and it's effecting my recovery. Is a Kindle worth damaging my body? Worth a slow heartbeat and weak bones? Worth damage that could make it difficult to have a baby? Not at all.

This is just another bump in the road. It's a good thing I'm wearing  a helmet.