and the winner is...

Lobster Mac N Cheese! Yay me! :)

asparagus...no, mac and cheese...no, asparagus...

This is the current battle raging inside of my head.

The explanation? Going out to dinner. "Let's go out to eat" - "Let's meet up for dinner" - "We'll have to grab something on the way to (insert destination)" The amount of fear that those phrases inflict is mind blowing. What should be a relaxed night out with my husband, family or friends is overshadowed by my fear of a menu or restaurant that refuses to post nutrition information.

I was married almost 2 years ago. August 27. The first week in December we took a fabulous honeymoon - a 10 days Eastern Caribbean cruise. I was beyond excited. I love to cruise and my husband had never been on a cruise. I really talked it up and I couldn't want to share it with him. I had a mild fear going into this knowing that there was food available ALL of the time on a ship. My first cruise was before I lost any weight. My second cruise was a few months after I started losing weight, before I severely restricted. This was my third cruise and my far the most stressful. The amount of time I spent worrying about what I was eating, working out (which made me sick while the boat was sailing but which I continued to do anyway) and trying to find a scale to weigh myself is heart breaking. After that I said that I wouldn't do that again. I came back from the cruise having gained ZERO weight and thought that they next time we went on vacation it would be easy.

Now I can't even enjoy a restaurant without stress and anxiety.

My current predicament: Girls Night Out Dinner at a wonderful, upscale seafood restaurant. I LOVE fish and shrimp. I always have. I've come to love it more since I realized that it had little to no fat and was very low in calories. I've been to this restaurant twice. There is a particular side dish that I've lusted over but have yet to order...lobster mac and cheese. The rational side of my brain says that it's just a side dish, how much harm can it do. The ED side (which is usually the winner) says that it's MAC AND CHEESE!!! It's loaded with cheese and cream and milk...and who knows what else. There is nothing about that that is good for you. You're much better off ordering vegetables. At least you'll get some kind of nutritional benefit. The mac and cheese will not benefit you in any way.

I've been torn for days. I had a mini breakdown last night and have started to worry my husband (again). When will I stop having bad days? Will I ever stop having bad days? Why can't I be "normal" and not worry about what I'm eating?...What will I order for dinner??

Your Assignments for Life on Earth

I saw this on http://hungryrunninggirl.wordpress.com and had to share it.

YOUR ASSIGNMENTS FOR LIFE ON EARTH

1. You Will Receive A Body.

You may like it or not, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You Will Learn Lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lesson or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that Ultimately “works”.

4. A Lesson Is Repeated Until It Is Learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it, then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning Lessons Does Not End.

There is no part of Life that does not contain it’s lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. “There” Is No Better Than “Here”.

When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here”.

7. Others Are Merely Mirrors Of You.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What You Make Of Your Life Is Up To You.

You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. The Answers Lie Inside You.

The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is Look, Listen and Trust.

10. Whether You Think You Can Or Can’t, In Either Case You’ll Be Right.

Think About It.

guaranteed to satisfy

There are many times over the past few days that I've wanted to blog but I either haven't felt like it or haven't found the time. I think I need to do it no matter how I'm feeling. It always seems to help. This post isn't going to be a negative one...well, not much of it.

I have taken a huge step!

I ate an entire candy bar!

Not half, not just a bite, not a mini...an entire full size candy bar. And it was delicious.

About a week ago my nutritionist changed my eating plan yet again. She has me eating more calories, more fat and a dessert (ice cream, cake, cookies, pie) every single day. She also added a candy bar into the mix. Now I realize that this might sound like a gift to some people but many guilty feelings accompany a delicious dessert. I've been doing this for about a week and I feel less guilty every time I eat something. I've been sticking to either chocolate chip cookies or Neapolitan ice cream with pretzels. I also ate my candy bar. Curtis and I each had a snickers last night. I can't remember the last time I ate a snickers. They're my favorite candy bar so I've always had this fear that if I eat even a little bit (or a mini) I won't be able to control myself and I'll just keep eating them. Well I did eat one and that didn't happen. I ate it, felt extremely satisfied and moved on. I didn't even feel guilty...which made me feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty. I realize how crazy that sounds. I'm working on that.

It was a big step and I feel awesome that I was able to do that. Now I know that if I want candy, I can eat candy.

My mom joined me in my therapy session yesterday and I was so grateful. There have been many times that I've tried to explain my eating to her and what I need to do/change in order to conquer this and it never seems to come out right. My therapist, Barb, is wonderful and really helped her understand (I hope!). I've spent most of my life taking care of everybody and it's time that I pulled back and took care of myself for awhile. I need to take myself out of the middle of everything. We'll see how that goes.

another perspective

This was shared on facebook by a friend who has also struggled with an eating disorder. It's an article written by a husband whose wife is struggling with ED. As soon as I read it I shared it with Curt. I'm not a dancer but there are parts of this that I can so closely identify with that it scares me. I wanted to pass it along to anybody that might have family members who are battling the same thing. It's eye opening.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/eat-your-heart-out-on-my-wifes-eating-disorder/

I'll have the flatbread...with a side of guilt.

I  have always loved going out for meals. Any meal. When I was younger my mom would cook dinner every night. When my Dad died a lot of our routine changed, including that. For many years we would eat dinner out almost every day. Some days (mainly the weekends) we'd have breakfast and dinner out. This was our new routine. It worked for awhile. When I started to lose weight I continued to eat out, I just adjusted what I ate. It's when I began to count calories that I started to fear restaurants. I know many restaurants have nutritional information that is easily available, which I'm grateful for. To be honest (which is the point of this blog) I avoid restaurants that don't share their nutrition information. And by avoid I mean refuse to eat there. Even a few that do make it public but "have nothing I can eat" on their menu.

One of the restaurants that does share their information, and that I greatly enjoy, is Houlihan's. Last night my husband and I were going to a season reveal show at a local theatre and decided that we would have dinner at a nearby Houlihan's. I often get the same thing (because I know what I "can" and "can't" eat) but after looking at the nutrition information I decided on something else...a mushroom and arugula flatbread. I ordered it, excited that it was something new. My excitement grew when it came to our table. The crust was thin and crispy and the arugula was wilted with a touch of balsamic on the top. It was amazing. When our waitress came out to give us our bill and collect our plates I told her how much I enjoyed the flatbread. She responded by telling me that they recently changed it and now make the flatbread in house instead of using a frozen bread. Not only that but there's a layer or cheese that now comes on the bread so there's "a lot more" cheese than it originally had. As soon as I heard that my anxiety kicked it. My immediate panic was that the calorie count that I had in my head wasn't even close to what I had actually eaten. Well if that count wasn't right then exactly how many calories did I just consume?!?! I tried to not let this panic show, after all we were in public. When we got to the car my anxiety was still climbing. I tried to talk to my husband. He listened but he didn't understand. I don't really expect him to. Most of the evening I was so distracted by my anxiety that it took away from the show and a lovely date night with my husband. I was hungry when we got home (we eat dinner earlier than we usually do) but I was so afraid to eat because I was convinced that I had hit my "allowed" calories for the day. This would have meant that instead of the flatbread being 500, like I thought, it would have been 1,000 calories. I know in the rational part of my brain that that number isn't even close to the actual count but it still cared me. I ended up eating because I was hungry and I didn't want to go into the nutritionist which such a low number of calories for the day. She would not be pleased.

Tonight, a whole 24 hours later, I'm still anxious about it. I've been reluctant to eat what I have to for most of the day. I look forward to a day when I can eat a restaurant and instead of focusing on calories, focus on my husband and the love we share.

N.O.

No. It's two letters. N. O. Why is it so hard to say?

I recently started my therapy sessions. It's the last part of my ED treatment that I needed to start. Now I'm on the fast track, or so they tell me. My therapist is a gift. I've only had 2 sessions with her but she's calming and easy to talk to. She knows what I'm going to say before I even say it. She never makes me feel like I'm crazy or irrational. It's a nice feeling. My first session was just a quick overview of what she does, how she goes about things...introductions. My last session (#2) was all about me. I spent the entire hour talking about my life. What it was like growing up, the history of my family, my parents marriage, my Dad's sudden death and the aftermath. To say that it was emotional is an understatement. Even now, almost a week later, I'm still in a funk. One of the main things we've talked about was my need to take care of other people. The more time I've spent thinking about this the more true it becomes. I have a really hard time saying no. To anybody. I'm a people pleaser. I have been my entire life. That trait is one of the many things that brought me to this place. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my selfish moments (several of them, depending on who you ask) but I wouldn't describe myself as selfish. Maybe it's time that I did. My first thoughts are "what will people think?" or "people will think I'm selfish. I don't want them to think badly of me." I have to realize that it doesn't matter what people think. Trying to please everybody along the way has made me forget who I am, how to be happy and what I truly want. I want a family and a future. I need to stop listening to the diet advice (eat 1200 calories...no eat 2500 calories. eat this super food...no eat this!) and start listening to my body. It's the only one I have and I want to use it for a long time. If that involves the word no then I'll have to learn how to say it with kindness. This is what I continue to work on.