N.O.

No. It's two letters. N. O. Why is it so hard to say?

I recently started my therapy sessions. It's the last part of my ED treatment that I needed to start. Now I'm on the fast track, or so they tell me. My therapist is a gift. I've only had 2 sessions with her but she's calming and easy to talk to. She knows what I'm going to say before I even say it. She never makes me feel like I'm crazy or irrational. It's a nice feeling. My first session was just a quick overview of what she does, how she goes about things...introductions. My last session (#2) was all about me. I spent the entire hour talking about my life. What it was like growing up, the history of my family, my parents marriage, my Dad's sudden death and the aftermath. To say that it was emotional is an understatement. Even now, almost a week later, I'm still in a funk. One of the main things we've talked about was my need to take care of other people. The more time I've spent thinking about this the more true it becomes. I have a really hard time saying no. To anybody. I'm a people pleaser. I have been my entire life. That trait is one of the many things that brought me to this place. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my selfish moments (several of them, depending on who you ask) but I wouldn't describe myself as selfish. Maybe it's time that I did. My first thoughts are "what will people think?" or "people will think I'm selfish. I don't want them to think badly of me." I have to realize that it doesn't matter what people think. Trying to please everybody along the way has made me forget who I am, how to be happy and what I truly want. I want a family and a future. I need to stop listening to the diet advice (eat 1200 calories...no eat 2500 calories. eat this super food...no eat this!) and start listening to my body. It's the only one I have and I want to use it for a long time. If that involves the word no then I'll have to learn how to say it with kindness. This is what I continue to work on.