a good place to start

Welcome to my world. This blog is going to by my outlet...from stress, my life, my ED...my general routine. I don't have a place that I can say my thoughts and feelings without feeling like I'm being judged so I decided to blog. Though I suppose the internet is not where you put things that you want kept a secret :) I know I don't have any readers. If I never get them it's ok, but if you happen to stumble along, I'm glad you're here.

My life has been full of ups and downs, just like everybody else. This doesn't make me special or unique. What does make me special is the fact that I've gotten through the downs and have come back fighting. This fight feels different. I don't know if you would classify my relationship with food/eating as an "eating disorder", at least not in the most popular definition. I don't restrict completely and I don't binge/purge. I set out to be healthy and somewhere along the way it became an obsession. Now I'm trying to find my way out and back into a healthy life.

I've been overweight my entire life. I remember being in elementary school and being sad that I was bigger than the other girls. I didn't like field day because I was slow and would get winded very quickly. Gym class gave me anxiety not just in high school but all throughout school. I've never been able to wear a bikini like most of my friends. I would worry about getting married and being carried across the threshold; afraid that I would be too heavy for my new husband to lift. I was convinced I would never find love or somebody that would want to spend their life with me. I just wasn't attractive. Then I met a boy. We dated for almost four years and I was completely in love. I knew that we would spend our lives together until one day we thought differently. Our breakup devastated me. I was 25, obese and single. It wasn't a good place to be. After months of working through a broken heart I began to feel good again. I had started to accept that I may not meet anybody else and that was ok. I had other things in my life to fulfill me and I had a wonderful family. That all changed when I met Curt, but that's a different entry :)

During this time a few ladies that I worked with were getting ready to start the South Beach Diet. They asked if I was interested. When I did some research I saw that it was similar to the Atkins diet, which I had tried but couldn't sustain. I thought that I would give this a try. What did I have to lose?? The three of us started at the same time and after a week or two guess what...it worked!!! I saw results pretty quickly which just motivated me to keep going. I followed it pretty closely, changing my diet but not changing anything else. I couldn't believe that I was actually losing weight. I'd hit a plateau every now and then, change a few things and then break through. Eventually I hit one that I couldn't break - getting into One-derland (weight in the 100's). I tried a few different things to no avail. AT that point I started to add exercise and that worked! When I hit another plateau I started to count my calories. The power and control I felt was amazing. I no longer had surprises on the scale. If my weight was up a pound of two I knew it was water weight or just a normal fluctuation. I watched my calorie intake like a hawk. This is where I got into trouble. To make a long story short (as if this isn't long already) my mom and husband (Curt :)) had an intervention with me. Not the dramatic ones you see on TV but an honest, sit down talk with me to share their concerns. I knew they were founded but I thought that it was something I could take control of and change. I didn't HAVE to count calories, I WANTED to count them. Boy, was I wrong. Eventually my mom called my family doctor, who called me and then referred me an eating disorder doctor. I started treatment in October of 2012 and that's where I am now. It's still a struggle every single day and I have a LONG road ahead but I'm determined to get healthy again.

If you've found me and read this entry, thank you. If not, I don't mind. I feel better putting this out into the world. I struggle but I'm not afraid anymore. I'll be here tomorrow to take another step.