obsessed

Obsessed. I use that word a lot. I'm obsessed with Starbucks...with my cats...with Law & Order:SVU...with any and all Christmas movies. Those are the fun obsessions. My not so fun obsession? Food...the reality that my body is changing (in my mind for the worse)...m pant size...my hunger.  My therapist tells me that there will be good times and bad. I feel so deep into the bad that I don't think I'll get out. She says that I've made wonderful progress but all I see are my failures. The failure to get over this. The failure to eat my calories every day. The failure to stop the obsession. Don't get me wrong, I come close to my calories. I enjoy eating (the "safe" foods) and I like that I can eat that much but I'm terrified. I'll hit my goal one day and then for the next 4 I'm 100 short. It's just 100 calories right?? What's the big deal?...Those 100 calories represent weight gain, bigger pants and a bigger stomach. An avalanche of gaining that I won't be able to stop. One day my calories goal will be sufficient. The next day I don't be able to stop eating. This is what scares me. I know that if I feel the hunger then I'm cutting calories and that will ward off the weight gain. But If that's true then why are my pants getting tighter?? Maybe I should cut more calories. The constant battle in my harder is longer and louder that I thought it could be. This is my favorite time of year and instead of being excited I'm anxious. My wish this year? For this rocky road of recovery to become a bit smoother. It's my prayer every day.