There is nothing about recovery that I have found to be easy...the increased eating, decreased energy, challenge foods, anxiety, bloating...even down to the constant schedule juggling for appointments. But one of the things that I have found most difficult is how extremely lonely this journey is. How much resistance can be found even in the people that love you the most.
Discovering who I am minus the eating disorder (and all that it represents) is more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I had this idea that I would start therapy, get permission to eat more (and weigh more), start eating and that would be the end of it. I would be anxiety free. I couldn't have been more wrong. I've been learning who I am and how to use the voice I have been given. Enter the resistance.
"No" is not a word that I have used often. People don't like the word no. It upsets them. I don't like to upset people, or disappoint them or anger them. You see the connection. But I can't always say yes and that's ok. I can't please everybody and that's ok. I don't need to feel guilty saying no or disagreeing or just being honest. I am Mandi. I'm not anybody else. I have bad qualities but I have some extraordinary ones too. I have a right to stand up for myself whether you like it or not. I'm not a child and I'm not going to stay quiet anymore. I say this all with love. Love for my never failing support system. Love for every ear that's listened and arm that's hugged me. Love for myself. I have to learn how to do that and be good to myself before I can give my all to anybody else. That doesn't make me selfish. It will make me healthy.
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