I've had my share of good luck, as well as bad. Finding money: lucky. Hitting every red light on the way home: unlucky.
Being in recovery??
Let me share a few conversations I've had over the past few months:
Me: my new medication takes away my appetite
Person A: You're so lucky. I wish I was never hungry.
Me: I can't eat that pizza because I can't eat gluten.
Person B: What does that mean?
Me: I can't have wheat. It makes my stomach cramp.
Person B: So like you can't eat pasta or bread or anything?
Me: Yeah
Person B: You're so lucky. I wish I couldn't eat that stuff!
Me: I have awful fatigue
Person C: You're so lucky. I wish I could sleep all the time.
I've been in recovery for awhile. I've accepted that it's a process. It's a road, not a destination (or whatever other stupid cliche you want to insert here). What I still have trouble with are the assumptions made about me. Maybe that's one of the things I've always struggled with. Maybe that's a small part of what got me here in the first place.
I haven't shared my struggles with many people. But wait…I have a blog about it…so that doesn't make sense. Ok, I should say that I haven't had an actual conversation about my struggles with many people. It's terrifying and exposing and emotional. I pick and choose who I show that to. That being said, I don't expect people to know what's going on in my mind or my heart. However, do not assume that these things I am experiencing are easy or make me lucky.
My medication takes away my appetite - Because of that I don't always eat when I'm supposed to. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I know I should eat and don't. It's a trigger. A huge, red button that say "press me". I know I shouldn't but it gives me a sense of control. For better or worse.
Gluten - because I love adding an extra layer of stress where food is concerned. It's not at all uncomfortable to call the host of a party ahead of time and make sure there are gluten free options there or limit everybody that I eat out with to only restaurants that publish allergen information.
Fatigue - just because I'm tired does not mean I get the chance to sleep all day. It does mean that I continue to work full time and do "adult" things even though I feel like I could fall over.
Am I the only one that struggles with these things, or anything for that matter? No, not at all.
I don't want to stand out for my short comings or my insecurities. I don't want to take offense when people make simple comments about me. I don't want to keep second guessing myself or the decisions I've made. It's a process. A twisted, bumpy, uncomfortable, beautiful process.
I do want to end on a positive note. I recently opened up and had an actual conversation with somebody about all of this. They were attentive and supportive and non judgmental. I have some pretty amazing people in my life that support me regardless of my downfalls. And for that I am beyond grateful.
