No. It's two letters. N. O. Why is it so hard to say?
I recently started my therapy sessions. It's the last part of my ED treatment that I needed to start. Now I'm on the fast track, or so they tell me. My therapist is a gift. I've only had 2 sessions with her but she's calming and easy to talk to. She knows what I'm going to say before I even say it. She never makes me feel like I'm crazy or irrational. It's a nice feeling. My first session was just a quick overview of what she does, how she goes about things...introductions. My last session (#2) was all about me. I spent the entire hour talking about my life. What it was like growing up, the history of my family, my parents marriage, my Dad's sudden death and the aftermath. To say that it was emotional is an understatement. Even now, almost a week later, I'm still in a funk. One of the main things we've talked about was my need to take care of other people. The more time I've spent thinking about this the more true it becomes. I have a really hard time saying no. To anybody. I'm a people pleaser. I have been my entire life. That trait is one of the many things that brought me to this place. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my selfish moments (several of them, depending on who you ask) but I wouldn't describe myself as selfish. Maybe it's time that I did. My first thoughts are "what will people think?" or "people will think I'm selfish. I don't want them to think badly of me." I have to realize that it doesn't matter what people think. Trying to please everybody along the way has made me forget who I am, how to be happy and what I truly want. I want a family and a future. I need to stop listening to the diet advice (eat 1200 calories...no eat 2500 calories. eat this super food...no eat this!) and start listening to my body. It's the only one I have and I want to use it for a long time. If that involves the word no then I'll have to learn how to say it with kindness. This is what I continue to work on.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
a good place to start
Welcome to my world. This blog is going to by my outlet...from stress, my life, my ED...my general routine. I don't have a place that I can say my thoughts and feelings without feeling like I'm being judged so I decided to blog. Though I suppose the internet is not where you put things that you want kept a secret :) I know I don't have any readers. If I never get them it's ok, but if you happen to stumble along, I'm glad you're here.
My life has been full of ups and downs, just like everybody else. This doesn't make me special or unique. What does make me special is the fact that I've gotten through the downs and have come back fighting. This fight feels different. I don't know if you would classify my relationship with food/eating as an "eating disorder", at least not in the most popular definition. I don't restrict completely and I don't binge/purge. I set out to be healthy and somewhere along the way it became an obsession. Now I'm trying to find my way out and back into a healthy life.
I've been overweight my entire life. I remember being in elementary school and being sad that I was bigger than the other girls. I didn't like field day because I was slow and would get winded very quickly. Gym class gave me anxiety not just in high school but all throughout school. I've never been able to wear a bikini like most of my friends. I would worry about getting married and being carried across the threshold; afraid that I would be too heavy for my new husband to lift. I was convinced I would never find love or somebody that would want to spend their life with me. I just wasn't attractive. Then I met a boy. We dated for almost four years and I was completely in love. I knew that we would spend our lives together until one day we thought differently. Our breakup devastated me. I was 25, obese and single. It wasn't a good place to be. After months of working through a broken heart I began to feel good again. I had started to accept that I may not meet anybody else and that was ok. I had other things in my life to fulfill me and I had a wonderful family. That all changed when I met Curt, but that's a different entry :)
During this time a few ladies that I worked with were getting ready to start the South Beach Diet. They asked if I was interested. When I did some research I saw that it was similar to the Atkins diet, which I had tried but couldn't sustain. I thought that I would give this a try. What did I have to lose?? The three of us started at the same time and after a week or two guess what...it worked!!! I saw results pretty quickly which just motivated me to keep going. I followed it pretty closely, changing my diet but not changing anything else. I couldn't believe that I was actually losing weight. I'd hit a plateau every now and then, change a few things and then break through. Eventually I hit one that I couldn't break - getting into One-derland (weight in the 100's). I tried a few different things to no avail. AT that point I started to add exercise and that worked! When I hit another plateau I started to count my calories. The power and control I felt was amazing. I no longer had surprises on the scale. If my weight was up a pound of two I knew it was water weight or just a normal fluctuation. I watched my calorie intake like a hawk. This is where I got into trouble. To make a long story short (as if this isn't long already) my mom and husband (Curt :)) had an intervention with me. Not the dramatic ones you see on TV but an honest, sit down talk with me to share their concerns. I knew they were founded but I thought that it was something I could take control of and change. I didn't HAVE to count calories, I WANTED to count them. Boy, was I wrong. Eventually my mom called my family doctor, who called me and then referred me an eating disorder doctor. I started treatment in October of 2012 and that's where I am now. It's still a struggle every single day and I have a LONG road ahead but I'm determined to get healthy again.
If you've found me and read this entry, thank you. If not, I don't mind. I feel better putting this out into the world. I struggle but I'm not afraid anymore. I'll be here tomorrow to take another step.
My life has been full of ups and downs, just like everybody else. This doesn't make me special or unique. What does make me special is the fact that I've gotten through the downs and have come back fighting. This fight feels different. I don't know if you would classify my relationship with food/eating as an "eating disorder", at least not in the most popular definition. I don't restrict completely and I don't binge/purge. I set out to be healthy and somewhere along the way it became an obsession. Now I'm trying to find my way out and back into a healthy life.
I've been overweight my entire life. I remember being in elementary school and being sad that I was bigger than the other girls. I didn't like field day because I was slow and would get winded very quickly. Gym class gave me anxiety not just in high school but all throughout school. I've never been able to wear a bikini like most of my friends. I would worry about getting married and being carried across the threshold; afraid that I would be too heavy for my new husband to lift. I was convinced I would never find love or somebody that would want to spend their life with me. I just wasn't attractive. Then I met a boy. We dated for almost four years and I was completely in love. I knew that we would spend our lives together until one day we thought differently. Our breakup devastated me. I was 25, obese and single. It wasn't a good place to be. After months of working through a broken heart I began to feel good again. I had started to accept that I may not meet anybody else and that was ok. I had other things in my life to fulfill me and I had a wonderful family. That all changed when I met Curt, but that's a different entry :)
During this time a few ladies that I worked with were getting ready to start the South Beach Diet. They asked if I was interested. When I did some research I saw that it was similar to the Atkins diet, which I had tried but couldn't sustain. I thought that I would give this a try. What did I have to lose?? The three of us started at the same time and after a week or two guess what...it worked!!! I saw results pretty quickly which just motivated me to keep going. I followed it pretty closely, changing my diet but not changing anything else. I couldn't believe that I was actually losing weight. I'd hit a plateau every now and then, change a few things and then break through. Eventually I hit one that I couldn't break - getting into One-derland (weight in the 100's). I tried a few different things to no avail. AT that point I started to add exercise and that worked! When I hit another plateau I started to count my calories. The power and control I felt was amazing. I no longer had surprises on the scale. If my weight was up a pound of two I knew it was water weight or just a normal fluctuation. I watched my calorie intake like a hawk. This is where I got into trouble. To make a long story short (as if this isn't long already) my mom and husband (Curt :)) had an intervention with me. Not the dramatic ones you see on TV but an honest, sit down talk with me to share their concerns. I knew they were founded but I thought that it was something I could take control of and change. I didn't HAVE to count calories, I WANTED to count them. Boy, was I wrong. Eventually my mom called my family doctor, who called me and then referred me an eating disorder doctor. I started treatment in October of 2012 and that's where I am now. It's still a struggle every single day and I have a LONG road ahead but I'm determined to get healthy again.
If you've found me and read this entry, thank you. If not, I don't mind. I feel better putting this out into the world. I struggle but I'm not afraid anymore. I'll be here tomorrow to take another step.
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