broken record

I'm tired. I don't feel good. I'm tired. I don't feel good.

These two thoughts run through my mind every day. Then they are followed by "you felt like that yesterday and the day before. You can't possibly feel run down and/or sick every day. Stop complaining. Nobody wants to hear it anyway. Everybody is tired after work."

Whenever my husband asks me how I feel the response is one of those two statements. Then, once again, the bully side of me steps in with a not-so-nice response.

I've talked to my care team about it. My nurse worries from time to time. She asks some questions and based on my response either tells me what to work on or orders blood work. My nutritionist responds in a similar fashion and we go over my meal plan and what I've been eating and make adjustments from there. My therapist takes an entirely different approach. She tells me that it's normal. It's a common part of recovery and I'm right where I need to be...in the middle on ThisSucksTown (my words. Not hers). She tells me that I've been ignoring my body for so long that finally tuning into it is overwhelming. I feel things on a larger scale. A normal end of the week tiredness to somebody else feels like fatigue to me. It can get to the point where I need to take a nap or I would fall over. No part of that feels normal.

My cycle has finally started to regulate. That's a positive. The negative? For the past two months it has been accompanied by illness. Not "oh I have cramps and feel bloated" illness but full blown flu symptoms. It sucks more than I can explain. The cause? Perhaps the energy that my hormones use weakens my immune system. The result?? Feeling crappy for 2 weeks out of the month. That's HALF of a month! I can't spend that much time feeling so run down.

Here we are 7 days out and I'm exhausted and have the hunger lever of a 17 year old boy. I knew recovery would be hard but this is so much more that I signed up for. I'm convinced that I'll feel like this forever. It's true that while smack in the middle of the eating disorder my body was suffering but I didn't physically feel it. Now that my body is getting healthy I feel terrible. This doesn't make sense to me. I can only hope that my treatment team is right and this will all even out. I feel like I'm just a spectator watching all the changes from the sidelines. I look forward to the day that I'll have the energy to actually participate in the game.

what if we are already good enough

I have never been touched by a blog post the way this one has touched my heart.

What if we are already good enough?


We are.

biggest loser???

Dear Biggest Loser,

I have spent countless hours on my couch tuned in to you. I've connected with your contestants, cheered them on, cried with them when they failed. I've found inspiration in your commitment to eating healthy and working hard. I've found motivation to learn about the food I eat, the exercise I participate in and how my body functions. I even grew to love Jillian so much that I voluntarily invited her into my living room to yell at me while working out.

You have also provided me with false expectations and a road full of failure so I'm breaking up with you. You present half truths. Yes working out 5 hours a day will help you lose weight but that isn't reality. People watch your show and feel inspired one minute and let down the next. A 120 pound weight loss journey should not only take seven months. You should not work out until you throw up, wipe your mouth and get back on the machine feeling proud. I realized 2 episodes into the current season (after said throw up workout) that you are no good for me. Then the finale happened. I log onto any news site and I see the following:

'Biggest Loser' winner: too thin?

'Biggest Loser': Uproar as winner appears too thin at 105 pounds

Social media erupt over 'Biggest Loser' winner

And it goes on and on and on. After turning you off your message still reaches me. You're too fat, lose weight. No, now you're too thin, gain weight. This is what happens. People get pushed...to be thin, to lose weight, to be the best, to win. I'm trying hard not to see myself in this situation. To realize that I'm different and I can rise above.

Maybe this will spark conversation about healthy and realistic weight loss. About lifestyle changes instead of diets. About being healthy instead of thin. About the women and men who set out to get healthy and get lost along the way.

I don't need you or any other reality show to show me how I should live.