vents ahead

Unenthusiastic.

That's been my mood for the past, eh, 2 weeks. Maybe 3 weeks.

I'm just tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of having to eat certain things or a certain amount. Tired of having SO MANY rules. Or at least feeling like I have a lot of rules. Tired of counting calories yet unable to ignore the anxiety that rises when I don't count them. I can feel the fatigue and irritability set in when I don't eat enough yet I'm still afraid to eat more.

I'm confused by my recovery team of doctors. My nurse doesn't say one way or another whether I have to gain weight, my nutritionist actually lowered my calorie requirements (perhaps because I wasn't meeting them) and mentioned that my weight was "stable" and my therapist is pretty convinced that I have to gain weight. So which is it??

Some days I'm so frustrated that I want to stop trying so hard and just go whatever I want. Then ED creeps back in:  "I can't do what I want. Doing what I want was what got me obese to begin with. Not caring about what I'm eating can't possibly be good for my body. I've worked so hard for this body...don't throw it all away now."

Restriction begins which leads to guilt over restriction which leads to frustration and lack of enthusiasm all over again. It's a painful cycle to be stuck in.

I'm always looking for way to move. It's hard to sit down, sit still, sit at all when I know I should be moving because I know how many calories I'm eating.

This will end, right? I pray every single day that it does. I need prayer. I can't do this alone.