I'm afraid of many things. Clowns. Getting stuck half way in in an under pass (that's who gets hit when cars fall off of bridges). Snakes. Heartbreak.
Anger.
I have never had trouble expressing my emotions. I never his them well. I didn't always express them the way I should but never the less they weren't often a secret, or so I thought. When I was deep into my relationship with Ed I was often unhappy, irritable and even angry. My mood never seemed to balance and it swung back and forth quickly. My relationships writing my family were strained and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like I was under a microscope and anytime I was in a bad mood everybody would point it out. It even got to the point that somebody I love told me that they didn't really like who I was anymore. That crushed me.
This road of self discovery that I've been thrown onto (not always voluntarily) has led me to discover that I often express my emotions but only the positive ones. My entire life (no, I'm not being dramatic) I have been afraid of disappointing people, mainly my parents. Whether it was my grades, extracurricular activities or my general disposition. It was easier to hide the anger I was feeling in fear that I would rock the boat. My boat was rocky enough growing up. The last thing I wanted was more waves. Ed just magnified the problem. Not only was I disappointing people but now the didn't want to be around me. Therapy has taught me the words "No" along with "I'm angry" will not make my world fall down around me. It's actually healthy to set limits and boundaries. Something I'm learning the hard way.
The point of all of this is that I thought I was getting better at being angry but that's not the case. Something happened to me recently that made me incredibly sad and then angry. I had no trouble telling the person invoked how hurt I was but the anger never formed into words. I made a bad decision so perhaps I don't feel like I have the right to be angry. But I am. I'm angry that the only thing that seemed to matter was the negative of the situation. Not the years of all the positive. Angry at myself that I let this influence my self worth and question what kind of person I am. Angry that I'm still hurting even after time has passed. I'm angry and I don't have to be afraid of that.
Another of the many lessons I'm learning along the way.
