I've learned (in my rich 31 years of life) that at the end of every relationship there are things that you miss...even the toxic relationships. My relationship with ED (eating disorder) is no different. I know that I probably shouldn't feel that way but I do. Even so then I should keep it to myself. I don't want to do that either. I'm going to venture down a road that not many people acknowledge...the positive aspects (in my head) of having an eating disorder.
No menstrual cycle. I know, I know...as a woman that is a sign that I can beat children and am, in fact, a woman. I've had a complicated battle with this. When I wasn't getting my period (before treatment) it upset me because I wanted to have children so badly and I didn't know what was wrong. I never thought it could have something to do with my body weight or lack of fat. During my initial appointment with my nutritionist she told me that I wasn't getting a period because I wasn't eating enough fat. I thought she was crazy. No, she was right. As I got further into this process my period came back after 11 months. It was a happy moment and I thought it was a sign that I was better. The instant after that celebration I became scared. If that was true and I was "better" then why am I not "better"?
My cycle was irregular but at least it was a cycle. My therapist explained to me that when your body reaches about 90% of its healthy weight menstruation returns. They wanted me at 95% - 100% just in case I relapsed. I was ok with that because it gave me permission to gain weight and eat. That was 6 months ago. As I've gained weight and gotten into a "normal" cycle my panic has set In once again. Now I must be "better" because I'm on a 28-30 day cycle, right? I get all of the same symptoms that I did prior to the eating disorder so that's a good sign, right?? Recovery seems to have more questions than answers. Do I like that my body is getting healthy? Absolutely. Do I like that it's returning to normal? Not always. Am I terrified about want I "should" be doing or eating? Every single day. That tells me that although my body is restoring and repairing itself I'm not "all better" and I don't have to be. Note top self: this is not a race. There is no finish line. No winners or losers. No checkpoints that have to be reached by a certain point. Mandi this is your life. You need to learn to stop (I was actually trying to type appreciate but my Kindle auto corrected it to " stop". Lesson noticed).
*I started this entry a few days ago and has to stop in the middle of writing. In those few days I have (tried) to come to the fact that I don't fit into my jeans anymore. I knew this would happen eventually but nothing makes you feel better than not being able to zip your pants. I had a mini meltdown in my living room all by myself. This recovery feels like a cycle of really good and really crappy with not much in between. I'm in a crappy part. Where is the good??
